When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
