My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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