My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm both gender and math confused
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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