I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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