Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I want to make a zoo with you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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