New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
