My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
