No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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