Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
