we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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