even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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