I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
