I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
