I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
