Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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