I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
