I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
