I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why are your pants in the freezer?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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