If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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