How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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