Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
