we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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