That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
