Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
