In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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