There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
