ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
