You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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