my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
