There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
