i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
