Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Less talking, more tequila
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
