What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
