I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
