I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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