On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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