turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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