we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
