On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
