i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
