I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
