the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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