So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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