you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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