I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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