I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
