My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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