Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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