I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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