you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
