Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
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So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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