i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
