i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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