in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Vodka?
Forever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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