If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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