spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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