I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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