Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
