Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
