i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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