cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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