god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
there is glitter all over my balls
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